Raising Children Before Memory

I have two daughters. My oldest is 2, and the youngest is a newborn. They will remember none of what they have experienced so far throughout their life. Everything that's happened over these years: birth, learning to talk, first steps, birthdays - they will have no recollection of it whatsoever.

We are in the era of pre-memory. And even though they will have no long term memory of this time, it is critical. This is when the Self is formed. The core being. The voice behind the inner monologue.

As a parent, we are dialoging with their subconscious. The messages we are communicating both verbally and nonverbally are being integrated into their coalescing Self.

What do you want this voice to say to your child? I think the best way to answer that question is to ask yourself: What would you want your Self to say to you?

You are worthy of love and respect.

When we show love in all moments, not just when they’ve behaved or succeeded, that their worth is intrinsic. A gentle word, a listening ear, a warm embrace—all communicate, You matter, just as you are. But if our love feels conditional, dependent on perfection or obedience, the message changes. Suddenly, love seems like something to be earned, not given freely. This teaches them to seek worthiness through pleasing others, rather than knowing it inherently.

You are enough.

We want our children to feel that they are enough, that they don’t need to strive endlessly to be loved or accepted. When we celebrate who they are—their quirks, their spirit, their unique ways — we send this message. If we constantly compare them to others, set the bar ever higher, or focus on their flaws, the message shifts. Now, they are left feeling that no matter what they do, they’ll always fall short.

You are resilient and can take on challenges.

Letting them try, even when it’s hard, especially when it's hard, builds their resilience. We might want to step in, but stepping back sends a powerful message: You are strong. You can do this. Praising their effort rather than just the outcome shows them that they are capable of facing difficulty. Overprotection, however, is a silent statement of distrust. If we intervene too quickly or constantly express worry, the message becomes, You’re not strong enough, You are not capable. This mesage can erode their confidence, and remove their willingness to try

You can change, grow, and improve.

When we notice and celebrate small signs of growth, we reinforce that they are not fixed—that change is part of life. “Look how far you’ve come!” or “Mistakes help us grow,” helps them develop a flexible, growth-oriented mindset. However, if we define them with labels — they begin to see themselves as static, as someone who cannot change. Bringing up their past mistakes only cements this view, making them feel they are trapped in their shortcomings.

You are in control of your actions, and reactions.

We want them to know they can choose their responses, and to feel empowered in the face of emotions. When we help them understand and name their feelings, we give them tools for life. We do this by modeling calmness ourselves. Even when things get hard or situations get difficult, we can choose how we respond. But if we dismiss their emotions, saying “Don’t cry” or “You're not really hurt” it tells them their feelings and their physical manifestations are unacceptable. This can leave them feeling out of control, struggling to understand or express their emotions healthily.

You can face your fears and take risks.

We want them to grow with courage, to believe that they can face what they’re afraid of and try new things. When we encourage them gently, letting them know we believe in their bravery, it becomes a part of who they are. “I know this is new, but you can try,” we say, and their inner voice learns to echo this courage. Yet, if we constantly highlight potential dangers, they learn to see the world as unsafe, their abilities as limited. Overemphasizing fear teaches them to retreat, to avoid newness rather than embrace it.

In every interaction, we are shaping the voice of our child's Self. Each response, boundary, affirmation or dismissal becomes a part of their foundation. We want them to grow knowing they are loved, strong, adaptable, and brave. Our words and actions that we choose today become their core beliefs.

In these early years, while they may not remember the specifics, they will carry the feeling, the unspoken message: I am worthy, I am capable, I am loved. And that is the voice I hope will guide them through life.